I shared this late night on Saturday, March 4, 2017.
“I feel like I can talk a little now––not just to share a bit of the often unspoken details behind a miscarriage, but also to first say THANK YOU to everyone that took the time to pray, comment, message, call, text… this outpouring of love, support, shared loss, and acknowledgment of sorrow did more good for my heart than I will ever be able to put in to words. I don’t know how I will begin to thank you all. It was an integral part of what got me through today.
“Hardest and saddest day of my life to date. Misoprostol is NO JOKE. It was an ugly, disgusting and painful day. There’s no other way to say it. After about 7 hours of constant and consuming pain (which is fairly short, according to the in-depth and terrifying research I’m glad I did on the medication before hand), we said a heartbreakingly short and unorthodox ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ to what was left of our tiny, but very loved baby. Matt was a rock for me today. After battling through the physical pain, I’m now navigating the emotional ramifications of this experience. I’ve realized what I’m mourning most are the moments I won’t be able to pour my love into that child. But my tears aren’t from anger or confusion. It is well with my soul. Where was I when the foundations of the earth were laid? Or who shut in the sea with doors, and made clouds its garment? Who told the ocean ‘You can come this far, and no farther. Here, your proud waves shall stay.’ Who commands the morning? Where does light dwell? Can I send out lightning, give channels to the rain, give a mind its understanding, or provide for the raven when its young ones cry out? Who am I, if not for Him?
“I found this quote on Pinterest and it made me cry because it puts my sorrow in to words:
“‘Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.’ -Kathy Parker
“I don’t have a way to button this thought up, because there are so many facets to sorrow, pain, grief, and loss that I’m just becoming acquainted with in an entirely new way. I just started reading a book called ‘And Still She Laughs’ by Kate Merrick about her experience with losing their daughter to cancer a few years ago. It’s one of the most profound assessments of grief, bitterness, selfishness, humanity, and the goodness of God I’ve ever come across. I get an early read through thanks to a wonderful friend who dropped it by today––I think its release date is within the next few weeks. EVERYONE should read it. For me, it couldn’t have come at a better time. My mom also shared an incredible quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer:
“‘There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve — even in pain — the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.’ -Dietrich Bonhoeffer
“Thank you again. I will never forget the way everyone rallied and shared of themselves to carry Matt and I through this day. We are clinging to each other, and God has already begun our healing. If I haven’t gotten back to your message or text, I promise I will. And to all of you that have gone through this or a similar experience, or anything that has caused you pain and grief, you are not alone and I am so sorry for your hurt. We have this hope.”