Update: Matt and I just moved to Las Vegas, Nevada over the weekend. We loved our three year season on Oahu, but times were changing and we wanted to be closer to our families and in a situation we could afford long term. We streamlined everything we owned down to three suitcases, three boxes, my guitar, and Matt’s surfboard bag. He’ll be making the 4 hour drive to the San Diego area to surf every so often. We love our little apartment and are thankful to have ended up on the west side of town. It reminds me of Phoenix, Arizona if it were surrounded by the mountains of Ogden and Salt Lake City, Utah.
Alright. On to another layer of the onion. I shared this on Facebook last night:
“I took some polaroids of the dusty, louvre windows from our place in Hawaii on the day I miscarried. I felt like I needed something tangible to remember. The flash blew out the rain that began pouring that late afternoon, but I will always know the sky cried with me. I couldn’t throw away the pregnancy test and ultrasound either, or the onesie I bought to surprise Matt. They were packed in a whirlwind and unpacked in quiet tonight––and it was hard. They’re tucked away in a plastic storage drawer under my side of the bathroom sink, and the mother chunk of my heart has squeezed in there with them.
“As I walked towards the infant and newborn section on my way to get dish washer detergent at Walmart today, I felt myself subconsciously hold my breath. My eyes locked on an empty carseat and as I walked towards it, it felt like a vortex. Like Frodo when he falls into the marsh outside Mordor. I walked resolutely by, not up to dealing with the spinning wheels that lingering would coax into turning. I would be 13 weeks along now.
“It felt like a breakup at first. At least that’s how my body responded to the grief physically. But now it’s a strange and empty grief where you don’t even know what you are mourning. I guess that’s the love with no where to go. Love that was welling up for an expected recipient that went missing in action. I can’t wait to welcome another pregnancy. I hope I embrace it with peace and not fear. But tonight, I will cry.
“P.S. We love our #newhomenevada and are settling in, slowly but surely. People have been incredibly friendly. The weather is cool. I can see snow on the mountains to the west. I love feeling excited over paper towel holders and spice racks. We spent a few hours putting together our bed this morning and true to ‘The IKEA Home Assembly Rule Book for Dummies 101,’ attached the sideboards backwards and had to unscrew everything and put it back together. It was as it should be. We have a sturdy nest now, and I’m wrapping up in the warm blanket of the shadow of His wings.”